Putting Myself Out There

I remember when I was in High School, and at every audition our Drama Teacher (best person, btw) would have all of the people auditioning stand for a Line Up. Just like it sounded, you stand in a line next to everyone while she stares at you. Then she'll bring forward a few from the line to look at side by side, and then you go back. I remember it was always something I would say every time I did this: "I feel like an avocado." You know? Like how you go to the store, get the avocados, and squeeze them to find the best ones? Ya, like that.

After I kind of put the acting on the back burner with my full time job (which in retrospect I sacrificed way too much for, blog for later....), I forgot what that feeling was like. Sure I was putting myself out there in my work, and whenever they had a PR opportunity to be on television or whatever I was their gal, but it wasn't the same. What I had to offer there wasn't necessarily unique. I tried in so many ways to contribute something new, something never done, something that would make me stand out there, but it was not a job where they changed much AT ALL. And everything I brought to the table was almost never attached to my name. Needless to say, blog for later.

With this new job with a new company that I jive with on so many levels, I found that I had worth again. That was something I lost in my other job. Don't EVER let a job do that to you! If you find yourself somewhere where the very thought of clocking in fills you with anxiety because you never know if your absolute best will get you pulled into the office for just not enough despite the fact that you gave up dreams and time with your children, GET OUT! This new job is giving me back a little of my humanity. Sure I have some anxiety triggers from that job, I may always will, but it gave me a sense of self worth again. They appreciated my efforts and skills. And that was enough to give me the confidence to dream in something for myself again.

I feel like I keep visiting the same themes. I'm kind of like the ballerina on top of the music box that plays the same song over and over again. If only I had the dancer's grace. Anyone who knows me knows that I have had way too many ER trips due to my natural grace.

I promise I have a lot to talk about; it's only my third blog. And I like doing this, actually. Thanks for reading, really!

Anyway, here I am back daring to put forth a unique creation out in the world to be hopefully enjoyed, but definitely judged. And while I always accept constructive criticism and all that, we all do (or at least say we do to feel good), being judged anything less than perfect hurts at least a little. In acting, I was putting out my physical body and the ability to be someone else within the words of another person. But this is different. These words came from my brain, and this story and it's themes, tragedies, triumphs, and prose came from my soul. I feel far more vulnerable now.

And of course I feel vulnerable doing this. Any author would. I'm sure even the most confident person would. Writing is different than acting. I'd never say one is harder than the other, but it's different. Even the most confident actors who have done the most vulnerable actions like be completely naked on stage (also how I met my husband...blog for later?) feel that difference. And you can only hear the "It's Worth It" "Just Do It" rhetoric and advice so many times, and you want to be inspired. But it's scary!

I get it! Dear GOD do I get it! That doesn't mean that the over-saturated advice that sound cliche at this point isn't 100% true. Here I am giving that truism knowing how drastically you might be rolling your eyes right now. I get that too. I heard it a thousand times and just kept thing, "What the Hell do you know? You aren't me! You don't know what I have to lose."

Let me tell you a story about my life sister. She is the very best friend I have in all my life. She is my family. And she is a DREAM CHASER. She had the same dream as me: to be an actress. She went into the industry with WAY more hurdles than I ever did. She wasn't the typical body type (AKA size 0), and not being that exact look closes so many doors. She's insanely talented and drop dead gorgeous (bias aside), and she chose the industry that can define uphill battle.

And she got parts. She was even in a major Disney movie! She got to flirt with an A list actor! I'll take this little bit to say she is my biggest freaking inspiration. You know what? She deserves it! She sacrificed more than I did. She took more chances than I did. She lost more hours and passed up more opportunities in her pursuit than I did for the acting dream. So she deserves what she's gotten. Because she bathed in vulnerability and looked it straight in the damn face and said, "Come at me, bro!"

Yet, even getting that, the opportunities were dwindling. And it sucks, and I hated it almost as much as she did. And finally she had to take a job that would take more of her time. Her career focused on something (every bit as important, mind you) away from her dream. But she didn't give up. She hasn't given up! She still updates headshots, she's lost an INSANE amount of weight looking freaking KILLER, and she still puts herself forward for auditions.

She fell, she stumbled, and continues to struggle. Sometimes the pain is effing unbearable for her, but she doesn't give up. Her strength is not in everyone, and her choices aren't one-size-fits-all, but they are hers. Because her dreams weren't confined to the night. She knew that it didn't deserve to be kept from the light of her trying. Maybe it was her tenacity that made me want something more for myself - because she never stopped wanting more for herself.

So want more for yourself!