If you read my last book, you know that there are some major themes about trauma and how trauma can affect people. In my last blog, I showed a little more about the depth of the PTSD subject I am going to explore. In my research, at least as it pertained to the characters in my book, I couldn't help but also see the other side of trauma - the people who can be the cause. Again, speaking with my own personal experience and the research I was doing and the materials I was pouring over yielded some pretty fascinating (albeit disturbing) facts and stories. Now I would like to take this opportunity to share my findings, tell a little more about me, and give a small taste of what's to come with the next book.
Without giving too much away for those of you who have not read "The Healer in the Mist," I went into this research with a very specific character in mind. While not in the front of this story per se (not in the way he was previous), understanding how much Althea was affected made me look into what kind of person could do what this character did. And I must admit, I did have a little bit of my own heart invested in the investigating as well. The more I read, the more I came across a label: Cluster B Personality Disorder.
Cluster B Personality Disorders: Characterized by dramatic, overly emotional, or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder.
I was watching a doctor speak on the Cluster B's, and she mentioned that these were defined in the "antisocial group." That is rather misleading, I came to find out. These are not the type of disorders that make people want to stay away from people as the name would suggest. Instead, they are the kind of disorders that make it hard to maintain relationships with others. Once you get on the list of one of these individuals, there is no reasoning your way out of it right or wrong. Individuals afflicted with this kind of personality disorder are marked often with disregard for the law, violating the rights of others around them, and the manipulation and exploitation of others. I remember reading about this and having my mind blown! For a name that implies "no people," they are marked very clearly in their interactions with others. The way they are in their interpersonal relationships define them and their disorder.
It was a crazy realization, and I wanted to know more. Every word I read seemed to switch on so many crazy lightbulbs into dark parts of myself and the places I couldn't see. Not only was this information going to help enrich a character and those afflicted by this character, but I was also finding my own crazy therapy in it. Anyone who has had PTSD from outside of combat and the fight against an impersonal force might want to consider what I have found to see if it does not give you comfort. I know that it began to give me comfort myself.
I guess I should have known that this was potentially beneficial to my own peace of mind when I learned (in my own therapy sessions on my own PTSD) about Histrionic Personalities and how it applied to my situation. I had never even heard of such a thing. If you don't know (and why would you), Histrionic Personality disorder is characterized by the need to be the center of attention, easily influenced by others, low tolerance for frustration, rash decisions, self-centered actions with low regard to others, threaten or attempt suicide to get attention, and rapid shifts in emotion often leading to very inappropriate, provocative behavior. Having my therapist tell me that was like I was holding the nail, and she was spot on hammer-hitting it with every word...if that makes sense.
However, that knowledge alone wasn't enough. I needed more. How do you cope with it? How do you interact? My relationship was one I wanted to save, so I tried to find out how to navigate myself in my interactions. How do I interact? I found the answer soon enough after many different people giving the same advice: YOU DON'T! All the experts warn that if you want to save your sanity, your heart, your tears, and even your health (stress does very real damage physically, I know), you need to stay as far away from such individuals as humanly possible. You won't win. They won't let you.
Sound familiar? Read "The Healer in the Mist." But I digress.
Turns out that experts agree, individuals with this type of personality disorder, no matter how logical or professional or compassionately go forward, will never hear through their own stories in their head that they have convinced themselves of and will never allow themselves to be anything that they would not allow themselves to be. If they want to be the hero despite doing absolutely nothing to warrant it, they will be - come Hell or high water. If they want to be the victim, even if they are the toxic perpetrator, they will convince the entire world or at least try to that this is exactly what they have been burdened with. You could take all of the classes, courses, and training to try and be a precise conversationalist, and it will not matter.
In fact, I must sadly admit, I could not get this into my own head well enough in my own life. I'm even being trained further to hold more effective conversations and more effectively hold people to better accountability and broken promises and failed expectations. The more I'm being developed, the more I found that what I had been doing with the person I have had experience with wasn't right. I was trying my best to be calm and collected in the face of their often highly emotional (almost manic) outbursts. This kind of thing, while keeping my own nose clean, only served to infuriate them more. However, in all fairness to myself, nothing I did short of putting my head on the chopping block and handing them the ax would have satisfied. In fact, even that would have not been enough.
To go further into the subject of what characterizes Cluster B Personalities, one thing that characterizes them across the board is their tendencies toward overly dramatic shows. I love the stage, I love acting, but not like this. Often times you will have trespassed onto their perfect stage and a script they have meticulously crafted to the last detail in their mind. If you fail to live up to their impossible expectations of interaction, God help you. God help me; that's where I was for years. What this causes, what this creates, as a defense response to those who are unlucky enough not to be able to just break away cleanly is unbearable. It is pure mental torture.
Actually, often it is a very specific type of mental torture that these individuals often play into. It's called "Gaslighting." It's a way of making a person question their own sanity and or recollection of events. It is very clever, and it is very disgusting. It is a form of emotional abuse, and the results are catastrophic for those who cannot spot it fast enough. If it weren't for those in my life that I love very much, I would not have been able to see it in my own situation. The subject of gaslighting could be an entry all its own. In fact, many of these elements could be delved into further in their own light.
I guess, in conclusion, what I want most to leave you all with is the fact that this is a world full of all kinds of pitfalls, traps, pain, and mortifying devastation. At the very least, it was for me. I pray that it won't be so for others, though that is an impossible dream. This happens all the time to so many people every single day and in ways far more excruciating than myself. It happens in every culture, to those in all economic situations, in all kinds of homes, and with victims ranging from strong to weak to educated to worldly. That is why I want to shed a light on these kinds of characters in my book, as I said before. Fantasy setting doesn't matter; human nature is human nature. I hope that my readers can then see that it can happen anywhere and to anyone.