A friend of mine on Facebook said it best: I'm starting to hate living through major historical events. However, it's not going to stop the fact that I am living in History. We all are. Even our children are living through this shielded or not. This is reality, and it's dark and bleak and cold and horrifying. As someone with a blog, as someone who writes, I feel as though failing to submit to history my feelings, my experience, and my thoughts through my platform would be a disservice. So I submit myself as a voice in the time of history to be heard or not when these days will be written about for hundreds of years after me. I submit it for those that will read of this time after I'm gone, for the grandchildren of my children, and for us all now as well.
It is the day after the events of January 6th, 2021. I was at work yesterday and watched live coverage on my laptop at work reporting on the events unfolding. It's surreal to think back now trying to report on exactly how I felt. I posted on Facebook that I was in the following:
I'm in this morbidly disturbing, chaotic torrent of both shocked and not surprised at all. All roads we've been on, all paths we've allowed others to take for us, inevitably led here.
I was shaking when I got home. I was shaking all night, honestly. It wasn't like a panic attack; those are usually sharp and demanding. This felt different. Sure, I was panicking and I was in a highly anxious state filled with unprecedented stress. But this feeling was something deep and primal. It was very much like a low-waiting kind of PTSD bringing up reminders of the other "worst days in recent history" events that I have lived through. It was like watching the fall of the towers in my Drama Room at high school on September 11th. It was like sitting in my Math class that very same day where the whole room held their breath not daring to make a single sound as we heard a plane fly over our heads after reports that all flights without exception were grounded. You know that scene in the movie "Clue" where they gather after so many scares and go from room to room finding body after body and not having the heart or energy to be surprised anymore because it was all so terrible and unrelenting? It's like that.
I want to say that on social media there was so much truth being repeated over and over last night. People pointed out so much that was so raw and so right. "If these people had been citizens of color, they would have been shot dead." "Where was the security?" "Well, that escalated quickly over four years." Well, you get the idea. I felt like Sharon Marsh from South Park laying on the couch covered in a blanket eyes riveted to the television as the news unfolded all night. Actually, I LOOKED like that too.
I want to say I was disgusted, but that feels too weak. I'm beyond disgusted. I want to say that I'm angry, but that feels misleading. I'm beyond seething; I am beyond rage. I want to say that I'm sad, but that would suggest that I merely want to cry. I am so depressed and disheartened by this that I feel closer to vomiting than crying. I want to say I'm numb, but I'm not that either. I feel every single emotion all at the same time with perfect clarity. It's like living in a hurricane. No - it's like BEING a hurricane. It's like being a hurricane being engulfed by a tsunami wave and crushed...no, smothered. It's like being choked without the energy to gasp for air.
Now it's the day after. I still work, and I still have the live news going talking a big talk that makes me react in new disappointment. The politicians are talking about impeachment. Well, excuse me if I feel it's a little too little too late. He's ALREADY impeached. And I saw how long - how unacceptably long - that took before, and he only has a few more days left in office. I vividly see before my eyes with the strength of my imagination (more like my expectations, to be honest) what he can do in the time that it will take to do that. The slightly more brave are talking about invoking the 25th amendment, but it seems like hot air we're trying to warm ourselves with. I don't see something that SHOULD happen realistically being considered. I'm sorry, but I have no faith in the overpaid, self-important talkers right now. We put on our outrage mask, but where is that going to get us?
I realize I'm acting as though those rioters came in and broke down my house and threatened my family. I'm not going to lie and say that the danger those people were in is in any way equal to what I felt and feel. They went through unnecessary horror, and it's complete bullshit that it ever happened. It's an experience that should be experienced by nobody. Not ever, not once.
However, I'm tired of it! I'm tired of feeling this indignation. I'm tired of living in this embarrassment with people being paid more than I will EVER see in my lifetime just in one year not doing the right thing, not standing up when and where they should as fast as they should, and letting this country I was raised to be so proud be dragged through the worst kind of shame. *I*AM*SICK*OF*IT! These people that are granted the sanctity of our trust, mine and yours, are being paid the ultimate cushy paycheck to make the speeches hoping it's enough today. No, let's not hope. LET'S DO!
So here I sit seeing and watching all of this play out today in an agonizing limbo. It's nearly the full day passing without articles of Impeachment being formally proposed or the 25th amendment being more than just a polite suggestion. One day down. He gets one more day. And we all see what can happen in a day. What will the next day he goes unchecked give us? And to be honest, removal from office won't be enough for me unless he is removed and placed in JAIL in the same motion. I'm done. I'm tired. I can't be alone in that.