Despite the Hidden Path

I am more than thrilled to be where I am now - the place I never thought I'd be brave enough to follow. For most of my life, my mom pressured me to pursue my writing as she was so incredibly moved by a story I wrote in the 8th grade about a terminally ill boy who tells a love story through his typewriter. Always hearing how much she believed in me was the best little cheerleader in the back of my head every time I created something with my words.

But despite her support and the belief others had in me, the harshest critics we often have are within our own souls. And I never thought I was good enough, never thought I was brave enough to try for this to be something I could actually do. Not just dream, but do.

And the funny thing is that I never had this hesitation when it came to following my dreams of acting. I put all of my resources, scholarships, and time into completing a degree in Theater, missing this or that for rehearsals, and never missed an audition. And I was not incredibly successful; I can completely admit that I was nothing like the giants in my group of peers who were truly gifted. Sure I got a role here and there, but nothing leading. And though I was coached and reviewed well for what I was placed in, I guess somehow I knew that this dream wasn't really going to take off. Not that it made me want it any less, but life and the needs of living have a way of snapping us out of what we wish and what must be.

And then I found new dreams.

I found a man that I fell in love with. What's more, I found a man who I could trust the rest of my life with. This was the dream I thought was unobtainable. The love and the romance and the happily ever after - that was what I had convinced myself since very early on that I wasn't going to be cut out for. I could count on one hand the number of prospects I had before meeting him, and a good number of them were never serious about me or even lasted very long. I'm not exotic, I'm not mysterious or alluring, and I personally do not have the highest opinion of my physical attractiveness. And yet, there was this man who thought I was something special.

When we began dating, I thought this was a nice and easy relationship. I could trust him. He had been hurt, I had been hurt, and we came at it with a mutual experience and kind of respect. Then when he moved in, I thought that I might get a shot at this life with a man and woman loving each other and spending the rest of their lives together.

And that's just what has ended up happening. We were married, we have two boys, and my new dream came true. That's when I learned that dreams aren't always set in stone. The human heart is big enough to evolve with life and change, and a new dream has a right to be born and exist. It might not be the same, and the old dreams might still be there (or they might not), but that is okay.

Just because you get a new dream doesn't mean you failed the other one. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't a failure, it wasn't a loss, but it was a gain.

Now I'm here with a book in my hand, an actual physical book, that I wrote. I did this! And the journey has been exhilarating. It made me realize that I did want this, and I had the ability to do it if I didn't give up or let that icky voice we all have get the best of my apprehension.

To Hell with that little voice. I know how dark that little voice can get. Not just to me, but to many. More to come on my thoughts on that little voice.

So here I am, putting myself out there in ways I never thought. Publishing, writing, MARKETING MYSELF (God, never thought I would), blogging...and you know what, I like it!